Why does life feel like a perpetual state of discovering things you’re unhappy with? We then make a choice to do bare minimum in order to change our circumstances or we take a leap of faith.
Is coping honourable? unashamedly rapturous? or downright purgatory?
God and Satan smile upon us with their fictitious teeth.
I swear that pretension is not my aim my dear, in fact I shield myself with metaphors and verse. I don’t swear to anything or against anything, I just mean it wholeheartedly in this moment.
My aim is clarity, it’s the most humbling feeling and I regularly release and miss but I keep aiming and releasing til the target is hit once more. Not many people account for the same target to move, why is that? You hit it once but then it moved so you have to hit it at this new location.
[Let my silence speak volumes for I am restless with speech.]
two years and nine days since we last held each other like we were the only purpose.I understand you now look at me with bitterness and hate; feelings unmirrored; bouncing dozens of moments round in my head when you creep into my thoughts. I now look at you with sorrow, for I lost my best friend who I loved so hard.
Mourning you felt impossible and I accept that I may never forget you. There’s no wrong in my sentimentality because each binding is unique; my mistakes were innocent, full of fears and detrimental to our trust; your mistakes were made: hidden, lustful and hopeful and justifiably the chain was pre-severed. You left a scar on my soul and I bare it willingly to those close to me.
Why do you, and others, choose to remember the pain over all the love and care in the world? Is it too turbulent to move forward without tricking your memories? I have no wish that we remained, romance died but not before it soared. Is it so impossible to accept that we are now immiscible? We are water and oil. If I truly spoke to you tomorrow I would be deafeningly silent, only ears. For this is the nail.
Through the warm September evening airwaves, you sobbed with your dying breath, “you’re just like the rest of them”. Static. [I’ve seen you many times but not in the flesh, like an apparition in the heat, surrounded by pangs of silver and scarlet]